6 Steps to Growing the Moustache of Your Dreams

Einsteins knowing look says it all

Growing a moustache is no easy task. It takes perseverance, patience, and backbone. Show your friends (and especially your enemies) that you're better than them. Here's some easy steps to help start you on your journey.

Maybe next year

Step 1. Figure out your age.


Can you even grow a 'stache? Is it even a possibility for you? If your mom still folds your underpants, you probably can't. If girls still have cooties, you shouldn't be growing one in the first place.

Adopted? Well ask your fake parents to estimate. You should be at least (AT LEAST) 18 years old. Anything younger than that and it's just going to look patchy and gross.

This isn't a girl. Just a heads up.

Step 2: Figure out your gender

 If you're a male, continue to Step 3. This step should be pretty easy for most of us. If you can't get past this step, I suggest asking 5 strangers on the street to see which gender you most look like. Hopefully, most should know. Don't accept candy or enter any vans. Just walk away. Walk. Away.

Step 3: Which Moustache is Right for You?


Choosing the right 'stache is very important. You cannot start off wanting to grow a Box Car then switch to Trucker.  That's unthinkable! You will have disastrous results. Just don't. Figure out which moustache you want to grow and stick to it.

If you can't make up your mind, go for business man or undercover brother. Both are respectable. 



Step 4: Wait


Like all fine things in life, moustaches take patience and time, like a fine wine, or aged cheddar cheese.

That's the Spirit!

Here's some suggestions:

• -Chop wood
• -Buy a watch
• -Eat bacon
• -Find a wife (this becomes easier with a moustache though)
• -Fight in a war
• -Drive a truck
• -Sleep (keep one eye open at all times)
• -Buy scissors and a razor

 

Step 5: Taming the Beast


So the hair has started to grow, has it? good stuff. It's better to start taming the 'stache at the start rather than letting your face turn into a jungle then hacking through it with a machete (although the second option gets you man points).

Use scissors to trim the long bits, and a razor to cut the short bits. Don't use shaving cream. It only reduces irritation, and if you can't man through skin irritation; growing a moustache isn't for you. If you screw up this stage, cut it all off and go back to step 4.

Step 6: Welcome to Moustache Paradise

When your moustache reaches completion, you will start to notice slight changes. Arms and legs feel stronger, women seem suddenly attracted to your dangerous side, food tastes better than it ever had. Colours even start to look brighter. You've done it. You've done it brother. You've made us proud! You've made all of us proud!